“God Of War” With Bill Hader

Hey, Conan O’Brien here with another clueless gamer. Today I’m playing the new God of War game for the PlayStation 4. This is a testosterone-fueled fantasy, so who better to join me than the ultimate he-man, Mr. Bill Hader, Bill. (audience cheering) Good to be here, man. Come on, can’t you fake it a little bit? I can’t.

Hello, sir. Let’s talk about the new show, Barry, congratulations. Thank you. People love the show. Thank you. This has gotta be, and it’s a new thing for you, you’re a man who murders, you still get to be funny, it’s everything.

Yes, yeah, it’s not my life, but you know. Well it’s based on your life. A little bit. You murdered some.

You tell someone something in confidence, and they just don’t, alright. We should get my friend in here who always tells me what to do in here, Aaron Blair, Aaron, come on in here. Jesus. He’s way too, isn’t he too energetic? yeah, I don’t like that. Sorry.

Settle down. Yeah, relax. You know, this is a fun game, I’m really excited. You play Kratos, the ghost of Sparta. You basically are a servant of Ares, who’s the previous god of war and you’re tricked by Ares into killing your wife and your daughter. Why don’t we just start smashing and killing?

Yeah I just wanna kill somebody. Can I just say what happens when this game starts? Is that okay?

Oh brother. Alright, go ahead. Well when this game starts. This is the only thing he lives for. (laughs) Let him have this great bonus at: https://casinoslots-ie.com/first-deposit-bonus

Please tell us about this game. Number eight in the seven installments. Number eight in the installment of the. (laughs) Get him, get him. Where’s your juice box, where’s your trapper keeper, what am I, in the seventh grade?

I love that you and I finally get to bully somebody. You’ve remarried at this point, you have a son named Atreus, okay? Something for the ladies, nice romantic story. Yes, but your wife has died. Hilarious.

So when this game starts, right before we’re gonna start, you’ve lit your wife’s funeral pyre and you’re gonna take her ashes to the highest peak. So we’re gonna hunt with our son, we’re gonna teach him how to hunt. You know, if you just walked in, you’d think this man was chasing a boy. I know, with an axe.

Yeah, that’s the part, that’s my son. Sir, sir! Sir? Leave the boy alone!

Sir! You’re not allowed in here, sir! Is that your mother? Oh that’s not your mother. Your mother’s dead.

Remember when your mother died and we burned her? (laughs) The therapist said I probably shouldn’t have let you watch it, but I think kids need to grow up fast. Son, why don’t you try jumping first? You know what I love? This is recreating the awkward silences I’ve had with my father. (laughs) Look at that.

So… how about them Red Sox? No! Kill it, son! This is like Donald Trump Jr. on a hunting trip. It’s precious and rare and it’s caused us no harm. I want to wear it.

(laughs) So press right on the D pad. You’re the D pad. Okay. You’re acting like a real D pad right now, bro.

There’s the Tron elk! Bad Conan, bad bad Conan! (laughs) That’s exactly what I was like! (shouts) Oh, okay.

Sir, sir, we’re looking for the elk! Take that! Oh, he was made of pumpkin. Why are they so easy to kill? Son, you didn’t see that. If you miss this, I’m going to be furious.

We can use its antlers to open a night club. (laughs) Oh, what the heck? Why?

Who made this video game? There you go, dummy. (screaming) Yeah, son! Whoa, alright. I told you not to kill that deer, son.

(laughs) Dad, you’re embarrassing me! I stab your taint! Ow. I just wanted directions. (intense music) Alright, well. Oh, god.

Yeah, yeah, you’re probably (bleeped) up now, son. So now let’s have a light lunch. What do you guys think of the game so far? There’s more talking than I thought there would be. Yeah, I don’t really care about the relationship between the dad and the son.

I’ve got a son in real life and I’m checking out of that relationship. And I don’t think anybody’s playing a video game and going, you know what, this video game has really taught me that I need to have a better relationship with my son. Alright, what’s next there? This is your house, this is your home.

Son, I’ll knock, you decent? Alright. Son, there’ll come a time when you masturbate and I won’t just walk into the cabin, I’ll make noises first.

Let’s do thumb war. (shouting) Now eat your mother’s ashes! Eat her ashes!

Eat her ashes! Grow a pair! Hello, I’m coming! Remember when we were in that band together? Yeah, weren’t you a bass player in the Deaf Johns?

Hey you wanna go bug some people down in Venice? Hey man, listen. You don’t get it, man. Manson had a plan, man.

Look, I just got fired from Amoeba, alright? For not wearing my shirt to work. Look, I did your tattoos for you for free.

Ow, ow, ow! Ow! I haven’t done any of this, by the way.

No, just so you at home know, we haven’t touched the controller for 45 minutes. I don’t like you anymore. No, no no no, no no no, okay, dude dude dude dude dude, I know I was being a dick, I know I was being a dick, bro. Okay, okay, okay, you don’t have to pay me for the tattoos. You don’t have pay for the tattoos, it’s fine.

(shouts) Okay, so now we’re gonna skip ahead. Thank god. So basically, there’s this woman, the witch of the woods. Oh a woman, that would be refreshing. We go to the smartest man in all the realms, Mamir, and we cut his head off ’cause he’s imprisoned in the tree. As you do.

And now we need to revive Mamir’s head so we’re back to the witch of the woods. So we have the head. Alright, I guess let’s go into the turtle now. Like a couple of nerds in a nerd story.

Oh they’re showing the turtle house, this is awkward. There’s a real estate person here. This is the living room. And it’s a sunken level, oh! That’s not a good way to. He’s got bad instincts.

She’ll like this. Do you like me? Will you go on date? You gotta kill this guy, those are all just souls.

I’m just like the guy in the woods. God, dude. Look at that guy, he’s just hanging off his ass. He’s like, what’s going on over there? (laughs) I’m gonna call the cops, okay?

So God of War, what do you guys think? The killing is very cathartic, I thought you broke through a lot of levels of anger. Yeah I did, I worked out some stuff with God of War and I think I can now use it in my life. So it was good. Later, nine unsolved murders.

I think the kid is, doesn’t do much. Right. Or should be able to kill the kid. And then he gets it on with the girl in the turtle. Turtle girl, yeah, the real estate lady. Oh and the guy who’s just a head?

Yeah. He’s like the sidekick. They’re gonna use him as like an Alexa kind of.

Hey, head. Yes? My Delta flight to Chicago. It’s delayed. (audience applauding) Hey, you can see the other video games over at teamcoco.com/cluelessgamer. Huge thanks to one of the funniest people alive, Bill Hader.

We’ll be right back.